Now that I am once again writing regularly, I've been meaning to bring back for quite some time now an old Slang feature favorite of mine, "Re-Appraisals". To kick it off though, I thought I'd offer the twist of a live re-appraisal listening conversation on the topic between Jay Greene and I.

Note that all of this took in the middle of a work day yesterday.

JeffreyBeaumont: i have found myself liking the idea of listening to pearl jam lately
JeffreyBeaumont: but god even in single song practice, i just can't do it
JeffreyBeaumont: don't ask me what tangent lead me down this path but yesterday i even downloaded the Merkinball single featuring I Got Id
jaychampionvinyl: that song is great! or was!
JeffreyBeaumont: that's the thing man
jaychampionvinyl: one of the most incomprehensible Vedder choruses maybe ever
jaychampionvinyl: "I'll hold the light..when you tuh me HO the haiiiii-eee-haaa-nn"
JeffreyBeaumont: more than almost ANY artist i know of, i am finding that pearl jam sounds soooooooooooooooooo much less good to me now than my memory
jaychampionvinyl: yeah, v v true
JeffreyBeaumont: it's a little alarming to my senses
jaychampionvinyl: good lord, I cannot even begin to fathom wanting to hear Eddie Vedder sing something he has decided to call "Whale Song"
JeffreyBeaumont: i'm going to give ONE pearl jam album a listen today
JeffreyBeaumont: what should it be?
jaychampionvinyl: No Code
JeffreyBeaumont: done
JeffreyBeaumont: ok here goes

JeffreyBeaumont: i have better feelings about trying this record than any of their others
JeffreyBeaumont: perhaps because in my head it has a little more humility and a little less bombast?
jaychampionvinyl: it does!
jaychampionvinyl: tho "less" doesn't mean there isn't "Lots"
jaychampionvinyl: I recall thinking "Lukin" was a great song
jaychampionvinyl: in 8th grade
JeffreyBeaumont: i might be able to do this
jaychampionvinyl: haha
jaychampionvinyl: how many songs in are you?
JeffreyBeaumont: just finished Hail Hail
jaychampionvinyl: "Who You Are" might be tough
jaychampionvinyl: it's his Nusrat Ali Khan takeoff
jaychampionvinyl: it sounds bad even in my head
JeffreyBeaumont: yeah… it does
JeffreyBeaumont: but it's less bad than i thought it would be
JeffreyBeaumont: pearl jam is like a weird soup of vaguely melodious sludgy cacophono-mush

JeffreyBeaumont: wow Smile!
JeffreyBeaumont: i forgot about this total ode to Neil Young
jaychampionvinyl: yes!
jaychampionvinyl: there's two right in a row
jaychampionvinyl: "Smile" still sounds pretty good in my head
JeffreyBeaumont: it's like, "Dear Neil, we LOVE you and we loved last year's Mirror/Merkin Balls"
jaychampionvinyl: yeah, this is one of the best songs on the album
JeffreyBeaumont: because Neil's template works better than theirs
jaychampionvinyl: yes
jaychampionvinyl: kinda funny to remember that this was the album everyone thought was frustratingly arty and bad and that when Yield came out, everyone was like THANK GOD, PEARL JAM'S BAD
jaychampionvinyl: BACK
jaychampionvinyl: hahaha
jaychampionvinyl: hilarious typo
jaychampionvinyl: anyway, funny considering this might remain their only listenable album now
jaychampionvinyl: and Yield sounds....not that way.
JeffreyBeaumont: Yield in my head i'm imagining might sound particularly awful right now
JeffreyBeaumont: even at the time i remember liking it a lot but thinking "I feel like i'm going to change on this soon"
jaychampionvinyl: dude
jaychampionvinyl: WISHLIST
jaychampionvinyl: also
jaychampionvinyl: "Do The Evolution"

jaychampionvinyl: oh man, forgot about the lyrics to "Off He Goes," which are like a fifth-grader's country song: "Know a man/His face seemed pulled and tense/Like he's ridin a motorbike in the strongest winds"
JeffreyBeaumont: hahahahahah
jaychampionvinyl: I mean, just the present/past tense thing in "Know a man/His face seemed pulled and tense"
jaychampionvinyl: what!?
jaychampionvinyl: also: "perfectly" turned to "perfect-tuh-ly"
jaychampionvinyl: killed me even in middle school
jaychampionvinyl: up there with "p-noid"***
jaychampionvinyl: in terms of horrible phonetic awkwardness
JeffreyBeaumont: this song itself though is ok
JeffreyBeaumont: minus the words
jaychampionvinyl: yes
jaychampionvinyl: it's a Harvest moon song
JeffreyBeaumont: true
jaychampionvinyl: I am greatly enjoying this experiment

jaychampionvinyl: ok, wow, I'm pretty sure "Habit" is the worst Pearl Jam song
JeffreyBeaumont: YES
jaychampionvinyl: not good on anyone's terms
JeffreyBeaumont: it's like the worst of the PJ "hard rock anthos"
JeffreyBeaumont: in the "Brain of J" mold
jaychampionvinyl: YES
jaychampionvinyl: "the 'Brain of J' mold"
jaychampionvinyl: oh man
JeffreyBeaumont: hahahahahaha
jaychampionvinyl: oh god, I almost lost it completelyy with the breakdown where he, apropos of fucking NOTHING, just speaks the line "Speaking as a child of the 90s..."
JeffreyBeaumont: oh god yes
jaychampionvinyl: Eddie Vedder trying to be funny=-Michael Scott doing a presentation on sexual harassment
JeffreyBeaumont: WE WERE CHILDREN OF THE 90S, BITCH AND YOU MADE US SUFFER THIS KIND OF CRAP

jaychampionvinyl: ok, maybe because it gets sooo obad in the middle section, I think I STILL like "Lukin"
JeffreyBeaumont: god they were trying SO HARD
JeffreyBeaumont: to achieve what they thought was something special
jaychampionvinyl: hahahahah seriously
jaychampionvinyl: every single song
jaychampionvinyl: !
JeffreyBeaumont: the clunky bridge>coda of "Red Mosquito"
JeffreyBeaumont: completely with Vedder background chants
jaychampionvinyl: yes
jaychampionvinyl: they were GOING FOR IT
JeffreyBeaumont: hmm Lukin is like a somewhat better version of Habit
JeffreyBeaumont: but the fact it's only 1 min long gets it a big big thumbs up
jaychampionvinyl: yes!
jaychampionvinyl: exactly
jaychampionvinyl: actaully feels bracing
jaychampionvinyl: good lord
jaychampionvinyl: listenign to this made me ggo back and reread something
jaychampionvinyl: speaking of Herculean efforts that have dated like milk:
jaychampionvinyl: http://stylusmagazine.com/reviews/pearl-jam/pearl-jam.htm
JeffreyBeaumont: oh man
JeffreyBeaumont: i remember having a total WTF when reading that
JeffreyBeaumont: and went out my way not to listen to the record
JeffreyBeaumont: because i was convinced that your writing wouldn't tell the story my ears heard

JeffreyBeaumont: half the songs on this record
JeffreyBeaumont: have a "cathartic outro"
JeffreyBeaumont: "Present Tense" (what kind of title is that by the way?)
jaychampionvinyl: hahahahahahahahahahahaha

JeffreyBeaumont: i always liked Mankind
JeffreyBeaumont: better than all the other rockers on this record
jaychampionvinyl: the Stone Gossard song!
JeffreyBeaumont: yes!
jaychampionvinyl: it's like a Foo Fighters song
JeffreyBeaumont: i remember being the only one i knew who liked this song best on the record
JeffreyBeaumont: i loved this fucking sweet lil dave grohl mid 90s crunch cake chorus
jaychampionvinyl: fulfilling the same position as "Take Me Down" on "melon collie" aka "The Contractual Obligation Guitarist Song So He Doesn't Quit"
JeffreyBeaumont: well, I think this song ages as well or better as any other vedder rocker here
JeffreyBeaumont: even this one though has that fucking outro
JeffreyBeaumont: god forbid they end anything humbly
jaychampionvinyl: hahahahahah

JeffreyBeaumont: oh finally, yes, the fucking Mother Love Earth Surf Nut Poetry Sunday Afternoon Sun Chant
JeffreyBeaumont: aka "I'm Open"
jaychampionvinyl: HAHAHAHAHAH
jaychampionvinyl: yes
jaychampionvinyl: I was waiting for that
JeffreyBeaumont: it's like it's floating to my ears from in the form of a weed cloud in from an island off the coast of california where Eddie and Keanu and a million supertanned hot "down to earth" girls have been surfing and keeping things real
jaychampionvinyl: yes
jaychampionvinyl: this is what the ponytailed boyfriend in High Fidleity's poetry sounds like
JeffreyBeaumont: is he played by tim robbins?
jaychampionvinyl: YES
JeffreyBeaumont: alex made a comment last week about me growing to be like him
jaychampionvinyl: !?!?
jaychampionvinyl: hmmmm
JeffreyBeaumont: with the biking and long hair
jaychampionvinyl: hahahaha
jaychampionvinyl: right

jaychampionvinyl: so, the end.
jaychampionvinyl: that didn’t go all that well
JeffreyBeaumont: well
JeffreyBeaumont: yes.

NOTES:
*** - "P-noid", a reference to Bilal’s odd chorus in the otherwise amazing Clipse Hell Hath No Fury closer "Nitemares"

--Dirk Nowitzki, on beginning the recovery process after the end of his strange and apparently farcical relationship with a serial criminal.

While riding through Long Island City on the way to work today, I swerved to avoid a car but got bumped and then crashed my bike. Unfortunately I fell onto the derailleur of my bike and it snapped off, leaving me with a fucked bike, some bruises, a still-bleeding elbow and an unfortunate $12 cab ride back to my apartment to clean up, drop off the bike, and head to work.

I THINK right now that it might just need a derailleur hanger replaced, which will only run me $25 or so, but I've never had to replace anything like this and I was in too much of a hurry to spend much time inspecting the bike. 

I am tired and sore and not feeling psyched about the world.

1) So after last week having a third light stolen off my bike (my fault, sure, but yeah awesome!!!), I had the real cake last night when, after getting to my bike at 7:40pm, I noticed that someone had stolen my motherfucking SEAT POST CLAMP. What is a seat post clamp even, you ask? Well it's this and the image above.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thankfully they hadn't actually stolen my seat since I am now in the habit of bringing both that and the front wheel into my office, but it never even occurred to me that someone might consider stealing a seemingly innocent $6 item like a seatpost clamp. Hell, I didn't even realize that mine could be removed from the bike! But beyond the general annoyingness of having to shell out $6 more on bike products, what it also meant was that I had to make yet ANOTHER trip from 50 St & 6 Av to 12 St & Av C to get to the only bike shop I know of open at 7:55pm on a weeknight, Continuum Cycles [they are awesome, FYI. I bought my bike there are you should love them if you can]. Thankfully I squeaked in as they were literally locking the door to the shop and got the requisite clamp so I could do a little sitting down on the rest of my journey. This shit is just getting to be straight fucking deprarious. If a bike is not safe in midtown Manhattan during a weekday in broad daylight, where the fuck might it be safe? Ahh yes, in my office where I'm not allowed to store it.

2) No joke, but I got a call from a police officer that, somehow, my mom's stolen car has been found and re-appeared in south Williamsburg sans stereo (have fun without the faceplate, fuckers).

I haven't seen the car yet, but apparently it's still in drivable shape and is being held by a tow company to be returned to the insurance company who are now its owners.

What the fuck, right? Life is fucking strange these days.

Dear Lil Wayne: