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Wednesday, August 19, 2009 Sad But True: We Listened To Metallica For An Hour And Now You Have To Pay For It  Ok, so for re-appraisal number 3, Jayson and I sat down two Fridays ago to listen to the "classic" Metallica self-titled "Black Album" from 1991--a record known well to us both and one that at one point we each held dearly to our hearts. I say unequivocally: no longer. Dear god. Terrible. So. Terrible. What follows is a sad and REALLY LENGTHY transcription of our listening experience. I apologize for the length, so standard "read if bored / skip if not" disclaimer should be attached as always. Ok, then! ------------ jaychampionvinyl: ok, let's do this jaychampionvinyl: wow I am looking at the Metallica song titles as they unzip and realizing what I am in for JeffreyBeaumont: ok here we go jaychampionvinyl: okay, wow jaychampionvinyl: enter Sandman jaychampionvinyl: deep end jaychampionvinyl: we can do this jaychampionvinyl: nope jaychampionvinyl: wow jaychampionvinyl: wow jaychampionvinyl: wow JeffreyBeaumont: holy shit JeffreyBeaumont: wow jaychampionvinyl: nothing about this sounds even remotely cool jaychampionvinyl: like, it sounds like a parody of what my little cousin thinks his dad likes jaychampionvinyl: we're both COMPLETELY SPEECHLESS jaychampionvinyl: this album went diamond JeffreyBeaumont: i feel like this is a scene in South Park JeffreyBeaumont: where the kids are incredibly excited about something kids are supposed to be excited about JeffreyBeaumont: and then they experience it and it's just silence JeffreyBeaumont: Kyle goes, quietly, "Dude.... Dude. What the eff?" JeffreyBeaumont: and Cartman bellows, "Huh-ho!" jaychampionvinyl: hahahahahaha jaychampionvinyl: dead on JeffreyBeaumont: 'HUSH LITTLE BABY DON'T SAY A WORD" JeffreyBeaumont: Stan: "Who the fuck are these pedophiles???" jaychampionvinyl: dude, "Gripping your pillow tight" "It's just the beast under your bed, in your closet in your head" jaychampionvinyl: NO jaychampionvinyl: HOMO JeffreyBeaumont: i'm reviewing the track lengths of these songs JeffreyBeaumont: and realizing there's gonna be plenty of time for introspection here jaychampionvinyl: so far this is indescribably awful JeffreyBeaumont: this is lame in a way i'm convinced that guns n roses never were jaychampionvinyl: dude, you are totally 100 percent correct jaychampionvinyl: not even Motley Fucking Crue, in some cases, were this lame JeffreyBeaumont: it's still astonishing to me that as of this moment, this is the ONLY metallica record i've listened to more than twice jaychampionvinyl: hahaa yeah jaychampionvinyl: this will probably ruin everything else of theirs, including the stuff that I still think is any good JeffreyBeaumont: "Sad But True" jaychampionvinyl: Kid Rock jaychampionvinyl: is all I got as of this moment JeffreyBeaumont: listening to this is so strange JeffreyBeaumont: i got this record and nevermind within a week of each other in fall of 1991 and at some point a year or so later, 92 or 93, i remember thinking to myself, "Wow, they fucking load both of these records with hits in the beginning and the back ends are BORING" JeffreyBeaumont: metallica did videos for Sandman, Sad But True, Unforgiven, and Whereever I May Roam JeffreyBeaumont: 4 out of the first 5 tracks on this record, and same for Nevermind JeffreyBeaumont: But it's just hilarious thinking about this now, because those Nevermind singles are still great (though they're a little worn for me) and now i love the backend JeffreyBeaumont:however, so far these metallica "singles" sound fucking awful JeffreyBeaumont: and i am trembling with fear at the potential terribleness of the backend jaychampionvinyl: yeah...the secret here is: the back end is worse jaychampionvinyl: if it weren't for the weird guitar talkbox sounds, I'd be a little more ok with Holier Than Thou because it picsk up the pace a littel bit jaychampionvinyl: but then the lyrics start jaychampionvinyl: God JeffreyBeaumont: yeah it definitely sounded better in the beginning than the first two JeffreyBeaumont: but the vocals come in and then so does boring guitar JeffreyBeaumont: i wasn't expecting to fall in love with this record again but i'm shocked at a) how much i'm not enjoying it and b) how amazingly TAME it sounds JeffreyBeaumont: there is almost nothing "hard" about this shit to me jaychampionvinyl: YES AND YES jaychampionvinyl: it sounds so corny and harmless jaychampionvinyl: oh boy, The Unforgiven JeffreyBeaumont: ok jaychampionvinyl: I'm already happier JeffreyBeaumont: dude i'm diggin this so far JeffreyBeaumont: this intro is fucking great jaychampionvinyl: this at least sounds like a Queensryche song JeffreyBeaumont: Scorpions jaychampionvinyl: this song is, I think, probably still great jaychampionvinyl: we'll see JeffreyBeaumont: oh god, the verse jaychampionvinyl: BHGAQHAH jaychampionvinyl: Oh my god jaychampionvinyl: IT'S SO DECISIVE jaychampionvinyl: ok aaaaaaaand.....AWFUL! JeffreyBeaumont: still.....better than the rest jaychampionvinyl: the melody is good? JeffreyBeaumont: oh man jaychampionvinyl: wayyyy better jaychampionvinyl: I didn't realize what a cop of this song "Disarm" is JeffreyBeaumont: in 1991 they should have just been writing ballads, basically jaychampionvinyl: yeah, I actually still get chills with "so I dub thee unforgiven" jaychampionvinyl: that immediately curdle when the verse comes in jaychampionvinyl: Man, after you've cleaned this out of your ears jaychampionvinyl: I want you to listen to Master of Puppets and tell me what you hear JeffreyBeaumont: i got my first cd player for my ninth birthday, in summer 1991 JeffreyBeaumont: a boombox from my parents JeffreyBeaumont: for christmas my uncle tony came to town and i had him buy me this record and appetite for destruction jaychampionvinyl: haha JeffreyBeaumont: and we came back from the store and my parents were like !!!!!!!!!!!!!! jaychampionvinyl: hahahahaha JeffreyBeaumont: i'd had a tape of appetite i'd gotten from grandparents' next door neighbor's son freddie peguori JeffreyBeaumont: (now in jail for grand larceny) JeffreyBeaumont: but it got eaten in the car and i begged my parents to buy it for me and they wouldnt jaychampionvinyl: SITAR RIFF. this sucks JeffreyBeaumont: yes jaychampionvinyl: sucks very very hard JeffreyBeaumont: god this is fucking weak sauce JeffreyBeaumont: no wonder your brother hated this record jaychampionvinyl: oh man, with the force of a thousand suns jaychampionvinyl: I'm trying to think of somethign you hate as rabidly as my brother hated this album JeffreyBeaumont: natalie portman JeffreyBeaumont: the true beacon of hate jaychampionvinyl: go further jaychampionvinyl: think of the thing that makes you feel so sick and angry about humanity that you really don't think you can live anymore jaychampionvinyl: that's how my brother John felt about this album JeffreyBeaumont: wow JeffreyBeaumont: that is admittedly worse than natalie portman jaychampionvinyl: btw, did you know that my friend Ben Fl**** went on a double prom date with Natalie Portman? his friend took her. jaychampionvinyl: he said she was a stuck up, prim and obnoxious JeffreyBeaumont: dude, she is the worst person living not in metallica jaychampionvinyl: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaa jaychampionvinyl: that is the single greatest insult I've ever heard jaychampionvinyl: god every guitar solo sounds exactly the same! jaychampionvinyl: squeedly -SQUEEEEE, squeedly- WAHHHH WAHH WAHHHHH JeffreyBeaumont: i feel like writing her a letter: "Dear Natalie: Congratulations, I now realize that Lars Ulrich is the one person in the world worse than you." jaychampionvinyl: AHAHAHA JeffreyBeaumont: However...here's something i can't explain: I have an unnatural teddybear love for james hetfield JeffreyBeaumont: please explain to me why this is possible? JeffreyBeaumont: in my head i am not believing that ANY of the badness of this record is his fault JeffreyBeaumont: and i'm entirely blaming lars and kirk hammet JeffreyBeaumont: 100% JeffreyBeaumont: Is it because he looks kind of like Tom Waits?****** jaychampionvinyl: okay, that is six thousand steps too far jaychampionvinyl: he's like a scowling little cartoon bear jaychampionvinyl: And the truth is, James Hetfield is more or less responsible entirely for their shift JeffreyBeaumont: http://www.celebrityzine.net/files/images/james-hetfield.jpg jaychampionvinyl: and his vocals are so herniated and awful jaychampionvinyl: as to ruin everything even further JeffreyBeaumont: http://infinitestatemachine.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/james-hetfield.jpg JeffreyBeaumont: OH GOD JeffreyBeaumont: BEST YET JeffreyBeaumont: http://www.celebrityrockstarguitars.com/rock/images/isthatabanjo.jpg jaychampionvinyl: HAAAAAAAAAAAA JeffreyBeaumont: A FUCKING BANJO  jaychampionvinyl: wait jaychampionvinyl: wait jaychampionvinyl: wait jaychampionvinyl: wait JeffreyBeaumont: the intro jaychampionvinyl: play the intro jaychampionvinyl: YES jaychampionvinyl: AMERICA JeffreyBeaumont: Dont tread on me JeffreyBeaumont: HOIATJ'IORGANM',L;DF,L,;LSCA jaychampionvinyl: WEST SIDE STORY RIFF JeffreyBeaumont: ASDNSDANI;ASD;VNA JeffreyBeaumont: LSasASD'VNASDVFA JeffreyBeaumont: WEST SIDE STORY jaychampionvinyl: I have to play that again jaychampionvinyl: are you with me? JeffreyBeaumont: NO HOMO JeffreyBeaumont: YES jaychampionvinyl: we have to go back JeffreyBeaumont: LIKE TO THE LOST ISLAND JeffreyBeaumont: WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK jaychampionvinyl: how did no one comment on thjis!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!\GAY;WEAS LASDFL;KHADFS;KHLADHL jaychampionvinyl: GAYEST THING SERIOUSLY POSSIBLE jaychampionvinyl: oh my I'm seriously crying jaychampionvinyl: there are tears of laughter streaming down my face right now jaychampionvinyl: How do you solve a problem like.....SATAN?????????? JeffreyBeaumont: at this point in South Park JeffreyBeaumont: saddam hussein would come on the screen jaychampionvinyl: hahahahah JeffreyBeaumont: and metallica would pull their masks off JeffreyBeaumont: and they're all iraqis JeffreyBeaumont: except lars ulrich JeffreyBeaumont: who is osama bin laden jaychampionvinyl: oh my goddddddddd JeffreyBeaumont: and then you just hear one slow swearword bleep coming out of Stan's mouth JeffreyBeaumont: and kenny gets killed by a scimitar jaychampionvinyl: and James Heftfield comes out and plays the south park theme song on banjo JeffreyBeaumont: NOW i understand why parents didn't want their kids listening to this shit JeffreyBeaumont: they didn't want them to grow up tasteless and braindead jaychampionvinyl: I can't even imagine the fact that we might not have made it this far into the album to discover this moment jaychampionvinyl: who did it? JeffreyBeaumont: i have to believe it was lars's idea jaychampionvinyl: do you think that Kirk Hammett did it to amuse himself? and that no one else knew? jaychampionvinyl: "what's literally the gayest thing I could do to this shitty song?" JeffreyBeaumont: "in the future, who would ever illegally download our record if we throw in some West Side Story?" jaychampionvinyl: haaaaaaa JeffreyBeaumont: i will say--it doesn't at all help them that recording processes in 1990 were at close to the peak of their awfulness jaychampionvinyl: yes yes yes jaychampionvinyl: this was produced by Bob Rock jaychampionvinyl: nuff said JeffreyBeaumont: like the maximum point of studio production making ALL music sounding dead and lifeless jaychampionvinyl: every guitar needed to sound like it had sausage casings around it JeffreyBeaumont: god forbid anything get in the way of a slick electric guitar JeffreyBeaumont: so far the best things on this entire fucking record are the intros to Unforgiven, Wherever I May Roam and Nothing Else Matters jaychampionvinyl: they should have just become Kansas with this album JeffreyBeaumont: Nothing Else Matters sounds good JeffreyBeaumont: i'm telling you, they should have just madea record of ballads jaychampionvinyl: also: this was widely considered "the worst" song on this record, because it was a sissy ballad jaychampionvinyl: like, when people pointed to how bad Metallica had become, they pointed to THIS SONG jaychampionvinyl: and it's the ONLY PASSABLE SONG HERE JeffreyBeaumont: the bridge is straight late 70s Floyd jaychampionvinyl: yes!!!! perfect call jaychampionvinyl: it's really pretty! JeffreyBeaumont: sounds like something off the Wall JeffreyBeaumont: it still sounds very 1990 but in a way i'm completly fine with jaychampionvinyl: exactly JeffreyBeaumont: AllMusic: The best songs are more melodic and immediate, the crushing, stripped-down grooves of "Enter Sandman," "Sad but True," and "Wherever I May Roam"" JeffreyBeaumont: LIES JeffreyBeaumont: LIES JeffreyBeaumont: "crushing, stripped-down grooves"?!?! jaychampionvinyl: I want it to end there jaychampionvinyl: but go on it must JeffreyBeaumont: oh god jaychampionvinyl: "Of Wolf and Man" JeffreyBeaumont: "OF WOLF AND MAN" JeffreyBeaumont: this record could easily be subtitled "To Kill Your Fuck" JeffreyBeaumont: i want to watch a video right now of a couple enjoying having sex to this song jaychampionvinyl: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA jaychampionvinyl: yes jaychampionvinyl: me too! jaychampionvinyl: oh god jaychampionvinyl: I can already see it jaychampionvinyl: the guy, in particuarl, is very clear to me jaychampionvinyl: he's on top, pumping away jaychampionvinyl: every once in awhile he throw his head back to commune with the night sky jaychampionvinyl: "COME TO ME, MOTHER EARTH, FOR I AM FUCK" JeffreyBeaumont: she's either just laying there motionlessly or else REALLY excited about him and the guitars and the excitement he's getting from it all JeffreyBeaumont: "FUCK ME BIG BOY" jaychampionvinyl: I am seeing more the heavy lidded gaze off to the right JeffreyBeaumont: bass intro to God That Failed: Nirvana JeffreyBeaumont: according to wikipedia, this song deals "with Hetfield's mother's death from cancer and her Christian Science beliefs which kept her from seeking medical treatment." JeffreyBeaumont: also, Metallica is the first band ever to achieve five consecutive number one debuts. JeffreyBeaumont: also Bob Rock's real name is Bob Rock JeffreyBeaumont: how the fuck did ReLoad debut at #1 JeffreyBeaumont: i forgot it has a track called "Unforgiven II" JeffreyBeaumont: in my head i feel like if i listened to Load now it wouldn't seem that bad JeffreyBeaumont: that's probably wrong, right? jaychampionvinyl: oh god oh god jaychampionvinyl: you have no idea how bad that would sound JeffreyBeaumont: hahaaa jaychampionvinyl: we should do that next week JeffreyBeaumont: my friend misery jaychampionvinyl: yes JeffreyBeaumont: i think worse than anything are the guitars on this record JeffreyBeaumont: they are just fucking terrible jaychampionvinyl: haha yes JeffreyBeaumont: this is fucking awful JeffreyBeaumont: i am flabberghasted jaychampionvinyl: and endless!! jaychampionvinyl: and so monotonous! JeffreyBeaumont: nice bridge JeffreyBeaumont: not terrible JeffreyBeaumont: some actually interesting guitar JeffreyBeaumont: ungh JeffreyBeaumont: then stops JeffreyBeaumont: this arguably a worse and more joyless album than the Fiery Furnaces record Blueberry Boat jaychampionvinyl: we are in army recruiting video territory JeffreyBeaumont: christgau's review for this record:  jaychampionvinyl: haaa! jaychampionvinyl: one of the few times I am grateful for his glib little pseudo-reviews JeffreyBeaumont: ok. wow. JeffreyBeaumont: unceremoniously concluded JeffreyBeaumont: fucking terrible JeffreyBeaumont: bad bad bad JeffreyBeaumont: thanks for killing my fuck, guys. jaychampionvinyl: I feel brutalized jaychampionvinyl: and yes, I didn't even notice it had ended!!!! JeffreyBeaumont: i am now going to listen to a cover of Evan Dando doing "Fade to Black" jaychampionvinyl: WE'RE DONE LISTEN (IF YOU WANT SOME CONTEXT FOR THIS AWFULNESS): Metallica - "Unforgiven" from Metallica ("Black Album") Metallica - "Nothing Else Matters" from Metallica ("Black Album") Metallica - "Don't Tread On Me" from Metallica ("Black Album") Evan Dando - "Fade to Black" (Metallica cover) NOTES: [FYI, IF YOU MADE IT THIS FAR YOU NEED A JOB BUT I WILL BUY YOU A BEER, WHOEVER YOU ARE] *** -- Oddly enough, Hetfield lists Tom Waits (and Leonard Cohen) as his favorite lyricists of all time... Labels: Dog And Pony Show, IMs, Jayson Greene In Spirit, mp3, music, re-appraisals posted by Nihilist Loves Hate, Hates Everything at 8/19/2009 03:39:00 AM 1 comments |
GET BEHIND ME DEAD MAN
dude, you owe me a beer. moreover, this completely broke my heart AND made me laugh out loud, so I think I've found my personal best example of "deprarious."
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